10/24/07

Thoughts on Artifacts

Shiny pink HK (Hello Kitty) AK-47. Hot pink paint job. Hand crocheted stock (our eyes want to see the words, "hot pink hand job"), so as not to blister our soft little hands. Can we say what a bummer it is to fuck up a perfectly good pink glittery manicure? "Standard issue in any young girl’s arsenal." Makes us think, well shit, if every girl accessorized with this, would there be less (gang) rape in the world? We are not sure why, but we think we'd like to model one of these. Come on, we’re Asian, we’re girls, we’re kind of cute. And. For twelve years, we wore Catholic school girl uniforms.

Hello Kitty vibrator (In Japanese ハローキティ バイブレータ). In case you had a choice between this and the tentacle monster (speaking of Catholic school girl uniforms), which would you choose? And don't tell us the tentacle monster. You don't know where that thing has been (it's a slut, and we like our sex un-bestial and STD-free). And doesn't this sleek product promote chastity? If in adolescence, for example, you could have a choice between this and the zitty-faced white boy who is in your AP history class, and who is developing an Asian fetish the more honors and AP classes he takes, wouldn't you choose this? No interracial drama, just batteries.

White cotton Christian Soldier thong with AK-47 logo/image/icon. For the ass man in your military (What? You don't know of any ass men in your military? Liar.), it's ass-tastic. This artifact is courtesy of the poet Linh Dinh, who has written, “When the shots ring out, dash for the biggest guns and hug them.” AK-47, we didn't know (because we’re girls), is short for Автомат Калашникова образца 1947 года, Avtomat Kalashnikova 1947). Let that roll off your fat wet tongue, and isn't that, in and of itself, just hot. So Cold War.